


The Captivating Case of Percy’s Imaginary Date

by frostedgoddess



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Blind Date, Confusion, Drinking, Drunkenness, Grumpy Percival, Improbable Newt, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-31 22:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12142122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostedgoddess/pseuds/frostedgoddess
Summary: Percival Graves isn’t much of an optimist. But when Tina tells him that she’s going to set him up with a mystery date, he can’t help but get his hopes up.A mystery date who’s funny, sweet, charming, and handsome. Who reached the peak of his career at fifteen. Who keeps getting caught up at work in almost every country on the planet. Who works with animals Percival is almost certain no one has the authority to handle. Who no one seems to have even met except for Tina. And who was somehow interested in Percival?Percival starts to wonder whether this date is made up.





	The Captivating Case of Percy’s Imaginary Date

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoy! I strongly recommend you check out the visuals [here](http://piesexual.co.vu/post/165539733761/the-captivating-case-of-percys-imaginary-date), to see what the headlines Percival sees. I'd also love a comment if you have a minute to leave me one!  
> [Reblog here](http://piesexual.co.vu/post/165539733761/the-captivating-case-of-percys-imaginary-date)

Percival Graves was way too old to be waking up hungover in places he didn't recognise. After over a minute spent blearily looking around the room to try and see some clue as to where he was. Percival concluded that he must still be drunk after he realised that he was in his own bedroom.  
  
Percival sat up, a hand raised to his forehead in an attempt to quieten the truly torturous headache. He swore that last night, that he'd only had a few glasses of firewhiskey, a reward to himself and his Aurors after a long week, and a case well solved.  
But there must have been something else in those drinks, because even at his current age, Percival would drink more than that just to get himself through a rough meeting.  
  
Then, a horrible memory surfaced, bubbling to the forefront of Percival's mind like toxic tar.  
  
"Watch this, motherfuckers!"  
"Tina, no!"  
"I bet you can do it." Weiss was a rotten enabler, Percival had to put her on traffic duty once their caseload died down...so never.  
"Goldstein, Tina, you'll be splinched." Percival's head was foggy but this, he knew for sure.  
"If...if I can do it, what do I get?"  
"All your limbs?" Lopez was the only one sober, apparently, but didn't really attempt to intervene.  
"No, I wanna win something!" Tina was wavering where she was perched on the edge of the rooftop, seven floors up.  
"What do you want?" Weiss asked.  
"I just want everyone to be happy, Percy, are you happy?"  
"Goldstein, don't call me Percy."  
"Graves is the one who thinks you can't do it. He should have to do something if you can."  
"You have to let me find someone who'll make you happy."  
"Fine!" Lopez agreed on Percival's behalf. Percival nodded reluctantly. "And if you fail?"  
"I won't!"  
  
With that, Tina held her arms out wide and fell backwards off the roof. There was a sharp snap as she apparated mid air, reappearing on the edge of the roof.  
"Ta-Da!" She said brightly, before turning and throwing up her drinks onto the roof.

“Looks like the Bossman is going on a date!” Lopez said, cementing the feeling of dread that sat in Percival’s throat as Tina tripped off the ledge, thankfully forwards onto the roof, her arms pinwheeling ridiculously.

 

Percival only had a few vague memories of returning to the bar after that, and he was pretty sure that he hadn’t drunk anything more after that so someone had definitely tampered with his two glasses.

  
“Fuuuck!” Percival moaned, knowing that he was backed into a corner. He might have been drunk but he _had_ agreed. He just had to accept the date he’d promised to with grace and dignity.

 

At least it was only Sunday, and Percival had the remaining half of the weekend to wallow in his misery, and first thing tomorrow he’d demand answers for how he got that drunk.

 

According to the barkeep at the pub, Percival’s subordinates had ordered him two triple glasses of whiskey with a shot of no-maj vodka from Russia. Seriously, Percival couldn’t take those animals anywhere. Their modification of his order took his respectable intake of two drinks in three hours to eight standard drinks. There was no wonder he woke up without being able to recognise his own bedroom.

 

Percival shaved carefully and put on a paler blue suit, he had to put on a brave face, pretend as though he had never gotten drunk with his colleagues and agreed to let Tina set him up.

 

The Woolworth building looked the exact same as Percival had left it on Friday, taking his entire Elite Auror squad to the scene where the missing girl was recovered. Partly for efficiency and in part to show off, he occasionally would side along the entire Elite Auror squad.

 

After having barely escaped the firefight with their lives, they’d gone to give their statements and file the arresting paperwork for the team of child-smugglers before Percival allowed himself to be dragged to the local bar for a round of firewhiskey on him. The fact that Percival had agreed to pay must have been why everyone got such outlandishly complex drinks. Fuckers.

 

Now that the mystery of Percy’s blood alcohol content had been solved, Percival went up to his office, overhearing his Aurors, who were thankfully all in an intense discussion and didn’t notice him. Unfortunately, the conversation was about his date.

 

“What about it, Tina?” Auror Irene asked, dark eyes focusing in on the mousy woman.  

“What about me?” Tina responded, her eyes fluttering as she averted her gaze from the other Aurors and it was evident that she knew what it was about.

“Who are you going to set up with Director Graves?” Lopez spoke firmly. “It took nothing short of a miracle to get Graves to agree, and we must make this count.”

“Don’t tell me, you were just smashed and you have no idea who to set him up with.”  Weiss said tersely.

“No! I know exactly who I’m going to set him up with, but he’s not available for a date just yet. He’s out of the country on…business.”

“Ooh, a businessman,” O’Brien laughed in a sing-song voice, “Bold choice.”

“I’m not going to hear anything from you, O’Brien, how did your last date end? Tears, wasn’t it? Has Nathalie agreed to talk to you again?”

O’Brien held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, and no, she won’t return my owls, thanks for bringing it up.”

“I’m sorry, mate.” Irene said, patting his back with a strong hand. “How did you even make her cry?”

“I swear on Merlin’s grave, I didn’t mean to, but I still don’t know how it happened, because Weiss’ friend still won’t answer any messages!” O’Brien practically wailed, throwing his hands up to aid in his dramatics.

Percival wondered silently, which poor soul had Tina decided to send on a date with him.

“I still don’t understand why, at your most drunk, with Percival ready to agree to anything to get you off that ledge, you chose a blind date, but it makes my day just thinking about the unfortunate soul we’re sacrificing to the Dark Lord Graves.” Lopez sounded indecently gleeful.

“So who did you pick? A friend of Queenie’s? Someone you met while you worked at wand permits?”

“My friend, he’s British.” Tina looked exceedingly awkward at having to discuss this in front of her colleagues. “I think he and Percival would balance each other out.”

“Does he have any other traits whatsoever, aside from being British?”  

“He’s a redhead, lots of freckles.” Tina managed.

“Is he twinky?” Weiss asked, lascivious and smirking.

“Uh…yes.” Tina admitted, looking somehow even more uncomfortable at discussing her friend’s body.  

“That didn’t sound terribly convincing. You wouldn’t lie about your twinky British friend?” O’Brien sounded suspicious.  

“No!” Tina said, horrified.

“Well then, when will he be back from business?” Weiss asked.

“Not right now?” Tina’s voice went up as though she was asking a question. “He was in Sub-Saharan Africa last time I checked.”

“You said he was a businessman!” Lopez said, outraged. “What businesses operate out there?”

“No, I said, he was out of the country, _on_ business.”

“Doing what?” Weiss asked, lounging back in her desk chair.

“Not sure, exactly, he…works with magical animals.” Tina seemed sort of cagey, and hesitant.

“An exterminator?” Lopez asked.

“Uh...”

“I’m sure he’s delightful.” Percival stated, “But we really must get to work.”  

 

“Merlin’s panties! Boss!” Lopez looked like he was only moments away from a coronary.

“How long have you been there?” Weiss asked.

“Long enough to know that you’re all going to be heading back to observation training.”

“Come on, Boss, this is our sanctuary!”

“I know setting me up is something of a joke between you Aurors, but, I hope you’re not planning to make me go on a date with a complete dullard.”

“Yeah, tell us about him!”

“Well, his name is Newt, and he…”

“Newt?!” Percival practically spat in distaste.  

“It’s short for Newton! But he’s sort of a nickname kind of person. He’s quite relaxed when it comes to traditions and that sort of thing.”

“Incredible.” Director Graves had no idea why Tina thought that someone ‘relaxed’ would match up with the youngest Director in history.

“But, when it comes to his work you’ll never find anyone more dedicated, more passionate, more exact than Newt.”

“Except you, sir.” Weiss interrupted.

“Oh, I don’t know, Director Graves has been at his job continually since age 28. After working his way up in 10 years.” Tina confirmed what everyone knew. “Newt’s been doing his job singularly from the age of fifteen.”

“Did he graduate school?”

Tina laughed nervously. “No...”

“Well, he must have been extremely talented to have been hired at such a young age.” Lopez commented.

“Wait how old is this guy?”

“Newt is twenty-nine.”

That was more than ten years in an age gap, Percival scowled. A child, but at least one who’d been in the work force as long as Percival had, that was _something_.

 

“Okay, we don’t have any more time to discuss this, to work everyone, we’re getting a new wave of Aurors tomorrow. Eight applicants, so clear some space with the junior Aurors, but nothing too troubling, we won’t have more than four by this time next week and we’ll have to just move it all back.”

Everyone laughs scornfully, and they would have felt bad if the same thing didn’t happen every single year.

 

Later in the day, the first shift junior Aurors filed back into the office slowly, chatting amongst themselves. None of their jobs were particularly exciting, but they were all competent workers.

“Is it true, Tina?” One of the girls asked, seemingly thrilled, Tina looked up slowly from her report, staring at the younger Auror with a cold look.

Percival, from where he was over at the coffee pot, pouring himself his fourth cup, turned to watch.

“Is what true? And speak quickly.” Tina has spent the day working with neglected no-maj born children and Picquery eventually told her that they would have to be removed in a week. A week with little food and no sunlight, because their parents were no-majs and they weren’t.

“Is it true you’re setting Percival up?” The girl said, Percival recognised her now, she was shuffled around the whole department, unable to keep another junior as a partner, because she was painfully upbeat all the time, even in the most inappropriate situations.

“Yes.” Tina said slowly.

“Well, I know a lovely woman who would fit Percival perfectly, she’s called Bethany, works over in House Elf management! She’s really quiet and loves a man in charge, I can give you her floo number to give to Percival.”

“No.” Tina returned flatly. “I am setting Percival up, I jumped off a roof for the privilege.”

“You...don’t mean that literally right?”

“Yes, she does.” Percival said, walking up behind the woman. “And my name is Director Graves, to you.”

The girl scampered off, face totally white. Percival was under the impression that she hadn’t seen him.

“Goldstein please tell me Newt isn’t the waiting around type.”

“Not at all! He’s in China at the moment.”

“Hang on,” Lopez said quietly, from his desk nearby. “Just this morning, you said he was in Africa.”

“Uh, yes, that’s true, but he sent me a letter, he’s in China and he’s coming to New York after that.”

“That’s awfully quick to go from Africa to China.”

“He probably sent the owl ages ago, it’s halfway across the world to get here!”

“Tina, you wouldn’t lie to us, would you?”

“No?” Tina seemed genuinely baffled.

“If you don’t have someone to set up with Director Graves, that’s okay, we can find someone.” Irene offered, eyes soft.

“If I did make someone up, I wouldn’t make up Newt, he’s improbable enough on his own.”

It was a rough day trying to deal with abused children, taking witness statements before obliviating the only kind memories any of them had, ones of being cared for by the Aurors. Graves was ruthlessly efficient and held his elite Aurors to the same standards, the endless red tape and bureaucracy of the other Macusa departments was maddening.

 

The next day was bitterly cold, the smog of frozen breath clouding the air as Percival trudged to work.

Today, Percival stopped off at a sweet little Italian deli, wanting some of their concentrated espresso, rather than the drip filter that they kept in the office. On the way, Percival bought a newspaper, as because he’d forgone his usual apparition to work, the free stack of papers at the Woolworth building would be long gone.

 

Only after he’d left the news stand and was almost the entire way to work, Percival looked at the front of the paper to see the headline and sighed deeply.

A nundu?

Well, that wasn’t possible. Not that nudus weren’t real, but they couldn’t fly and were huge. It wasn’t possible for one to sneak into the country. Gosh, Percival might have to set some time aside to speak with whomever had written the front page headline and associated article. They would cause mass hysteria if they weren’t forced to put a lid on their nonsensical panic pedalling.

 

Percival stormed through the building, ignoring the few people who dared to greet him when he looked as dark as he did today. God, how was it only Tuesday? It was times like this that Percival wished he had managed to hold onto a secretary, so someone else could handle the sheering down of public outrage. Nundus were the stuff of nightmares, and it didn’t seem to matter that it was a continent and a half away to look for a reason to start worrying.

 

Being the director, Percival did his best to be in first every morning, to set a good example and encourage his omnipotent reputation, one person couldn’t make thirty people do over time with pastries alone, even though Queenie Goldstein’s husband was a genius.

But, Percival’s streak was broken by Tina Goldstein, who was waiting, standing at her desk and shifting her weight uncomfortably from side to side.

 

“Newt is coming at the end of the week.” She said, then stopped, seemingly waiting for Percival to respond.

“Great, now about the reports...”

This apparently, was not the response that Tina wanted. “I know we were all drunk, and there’s a lot of pressure, but I won’t tell anyone if you want to back out. If...that’s what you need.”

Percival was touched. So touched that he blurted out without thinking, “No, I’m fine.”

“Yeah? That’s nice.” Tina said. “I managed to get a hold of Newt when he was near a fire pit and fire called him. He was supposed to come in a few weeks, but he’s already had his Nundu permits approved from the MoM.”

“Um, nundu permit.” Percival said stonily, “That isn’t a thing.”

“Yes, it is, Newt knows people, has connections.”

Then something dawned on Percival. “It wouldn’t happen to be a permit for this Nundu?”

He held up his newspaper, the growling, twitching beast snarling in restraint in its photo.

Tina brightened visibly. “That’ll be the one. Except it didn’t escape, Newt would have freed it. And now it lives with him!”

Percival glared darkly. “I do not appreciate being mocked, Tina, I’ll still meet your friend because I lost the bet and I did promise, but please don’t make anything else up about your Newt.”

 

Tina was virtually useless all day, listless and pale with worry, and Percival didn’t blame her even a little bit. Yesterday they had healed the welts on Credence Barebone’s skin after his magic became evident. The three children legally imprisoned by Mary Lou were tested - and all confirmed for magic potential. Then they had to leave the children there, knowing that the poor boy would be beaten black and blue within a day. Because of _protocol_. And Percival liked protocol, it kept everything neat and people in line. It was easy to do the right thing if everyone knew, and was in agreement of what the right thing actually was. And nundu ownership was not right, and there was no way that anyone would possibly approve ‘Newt’ for a legitimate permit.

 

“Weiss, come here!” Percival shouted from his desk, the door to his office open halfway.

“How is everyone holding up?” Usually, Tina was his go-to person but she was taking the case the hardest and Percival wasn’t about to force her to talk about how it was impacting everyone else.

“Not too great, sir, it’s rough.”

They remained silent for a moment, Weiss still standing just inside the doorway, and Percival staring down at his own laced hands grimly.

“Did Tina tell you that Newt has a nundu?”

“Did you see the paper this morning?” Percival folded the pages back from the crossword to the front page. Weiss’ forehead scrunched up as she read the headline then a dawning look of realisation crossed her face.

“Oh!”

“Plus, nundus are class-one: kill on sight. No country in the world has managed to catch one for there to even be a permit.”

“Well, to be fair, every magical creature that would be recognised as supernatural by a no-maj is a kill on sight.”

“Yes.” Percival admitted reluctantly. “But nundus are class one, they’re very dangerous.”

“I’m not doubting you, sir.”

“So how would Tina’s friend possibly get a permit when there is no such thing?”

“Well, he is Theseus Scamander’s baby brother.”

“What?!”

“That’s what Tina said.” Suddenly, Weiss made a curious sound and snatched Percival’s paper off of him with a grimace.

“Did you read this gossip page?”

“Weiss, do I look like the kind of person to read the gossip pages?”

“Uh, no.”

Weiss folded over the paper to the page to show Percival the page. The page with a full headshot of the magical world’s most famous war hero.

“Damn it, Tina.”

“Why would Goldstein lie?” Percival felt pretty hurt that Tina was doing this, was she making up stories about her friend to make him seem more interesting, to ensure that Percival would actually show up for the date? Or had she made Newt up altogether and the whole thing was just a cruel prank on a lonely old man?

 

Percival sighed, binning the paper, he’d just ignore Tina as long as he could until she stopped insisting there was someone who would understand his dedication to work and was interested in him for more than just his position at the right hand of the Madam President. Seraphina was ruining his dating life. And maybe he’d left it a bit late, but that didn’t mean he had no willingness to find someone to settle down with.

 

“Well, just because Scamander is in the paper, doesn’t mean that Tina lied about his brother.”

“Theseus and I are old friends, work friends, and he has never mentioned a brother at all. Plus, the Scamander family is old, pureblood money, they wouldn’t have a son working in magical extermination.”

Weiss looked as sad as Percival felt, eyes slightly downcast. “I..I am sorry, sir, I don’t know why she would make something like that up.”

“I suppose she thought it would be funny, but, it most certainly is not.”

“Well, I suppose at least I have your support.”

“There is no way that the whole thing is a lie, maybe Tina is just confused...or has overstressed from the Barebone case?”

“Okay, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. But I’m still not going to go on a date with a person I only know lies about.”

“That’s totally fair, no one would expect you to go through with this because Tina’s lies aren’t at all plausible.”

“I thought she was a better liar than that, maybe she has to recomplete deception training after you all do your brush up observational training.”

 

“Shit, we still gotta do that?”

“Yes, absolutely, as soon as our caseload lightens up.”

Weiss barks a laugh once. “So never.”

“Yeah, but I can make an exception for Goldstein if she doesn’t lay off the bad pranks.”

It wasn’t like gorgeous, twinky British boys were in an abundant supply queueing up to go on dates with Percival. Pretty much only the children of famous politicians - trying to jumpstart their own careers or give their parents a boost - were willing to look past the crazy hours and general sour attitude.

 

Wednesday was spent standing over the child services secretaries with his best don’t-fuck-with-me glare while they processed the paperwork for the Barebone children as fast as they could.

Apparently, all three children had different biological parents, all no-maj born orphans taken in by the Second Salemers. It was almost amazing how Mary Lou had managed to detect the magic in all three children before any magical abilities had even presented. It took six hours and Percival regretted nothing.

 

On Thursday, Percival came in at his normal time, relieved that the office was empty. He had several reports to go through as he’d all but missed work the day before.

 

Only half an hour later, someone came through the door to the bullpen, calling out loudly in a British accent.

“Anyone here?”

“Hello, can I help you?”

“Graves, you great big storm cloud!” Theseus Scamander yelled, reaching out for a somewhat overly familiar hug. “How’s my second-favourite Director of Magical Security?”

“I’m doing alright...hang on, second favourite?”

“Yeah! I’m my favourite.”

“Of course you are.” Percival laughed, Theseus had his equivalent job across the pond, and they got on well, but they were only work friends and occasionally, Theseus would be overly friendly, especially since they had only met maybe ten times, mostly at international events and not on a personal level.

 

Then Percival realised, he could bypass Goldstein right now, hear for sure that Theseus was an only child. “By the way, you don’t happen to have a younger brother, do you?”

“Yeah, Newt. I don’t talk about him a lot because a lot of officials back in England don’t approve of my brother’s job and it’s exhausting to defend him all the time. By the way, do you know what time Tina will be coming in, Newt mentioned something quite interesting about her setting him up. I, of course, will need to vet the candidate.”

 

Percival reeled back. “Oh, so you’re in on this with Goldstein too, are you? Trying to set me up?” Some prank that Tina planned, Scamander was in on it, still under the impression they were the best of buds and that he wasn’t crossing a line by planning this and supporting Tina. “You came all this way just for that?”

“You’re the one Tina wants to set Newt up with?” Theseus sounded incredulous for speaking on behalf of an imaginary brother.  

“Ha. Ha.” Percival stated, zero humour in his tone.

“That’s great! I approve, you’ll keep him safe from himself and the law.”

“Okay, good chat.” Percival ran away - no, retreated tactfully to his office.

 

Tina somehow knew Theseus and had roped him into her cruel plan and Percival wasn’t going to stand for it.

That night, Percival goes home alone, again. And his childhood brownstone had never seemed more cold or lonely, even after Percival lit the hearth and turned on the wireless radio with a sigh. Was Graves supposed to call the whole thing off before the doomed date could possibly begin, or go through with it and just ream Tina out when her web of lies unravelled on Friday night when Percival’s date either didn’t show up or was completely different to the way he had been described in every single way?

So, he did what he always did when he needed to make a difficult decision.

 

Pros

\- If Percival called her out early, the only person who would be witness to him getting upset would be Tina (and possibly Theseus)

\- He could do it at any time of his choosing

\- If Tina admitted to it, he had the authority to change her assignment from elite Aurors to broom traffic control.

Cons

-Tina could tell everyone he backed out of the bet and he’d be shamed

-He’d have to bring more of his personal life into the work space.

 

Fuck it, he would confront Tina later, ask her to stay back during the break and tell her to knock it off and keep her mouth shut.  He didn’t want people to be waltzing around, thinking that he wasn’t a man of his word because Tina was messing with him.

 

Except, the opportunity to tell Tina off never came. Because, the next morning, when Percival emerged for his third cup of crappy drip filter coffee, a slim redheaded man was standing in the middle of the bullpen, holding a suitcase awkwardly in front of himself with both hands, almost as though he was shielding himself from having to interact with anyone else.

 

“Hello, I’m looking for Tina Goldstein. Or possibly, Director Graves?”

“Tina usually comes in at about 7:30, I am Percival Graves, can I help you?” Percival prayed silently that the attractive man would say yes.

“Yes! My name is Newt Scamander, I’m your date!”

“What?” This didn’t make any sense, Newt wasn’t real.

“Didn’t Tina tell you? I-I am terribly sorry.” Newt went scarlet and backed up, bumping painfully into the corner of Lopez’s desk.

“Oh, no, Tina did tell me I just wasn’t expecting you...”

_To exist._

_To be exactly how she described you._

_To be so gorgeous._

“To show up now! Didn’t we have dinner plans?”

“Yes, but I thought it might be good if we met first, so if you didn’t like me there wouldn’t be any pressure to stay and finish a meal or anything like that. I could just leave and there wouldn’t be an issue.” Newt blushed softly, eyes flicking down to stare at his own feet, before looking over Percival’s face, making eye contact that was obviously an effort for Newt to maintain.

 

“Well, uh, why don’t we step into my office, we can have a chat and see if we’ll get on.”

“I’m so pleased to meet you, Tina and my brother have both told me such incredible things about you.”

“Uh, well, I’ve only heard a couple of things about you, and I’m not sure if it’s accurate?” Percival spoke slowly, Newt may be a twinky Brit related to a war hero. But no one had a pet Nundu.

 

“Well, I guess that depends on what you’ve heard.”

“You work with animals? Magical ones.”

“Oh, yes! Would you, perhaps like to meet some?”

“Uh, sounds great, I’d love to!”

 

Newt nodded, immediately setting down his suitcase and unlocking it. Once it was open, Percival looked down to see a small room, obviously an undetectable extension charm. Newt climbed inside in a moment, but Percy held up a finger, indicating that Newt should wait for a few moments. Percival used a sticking charm to stick a ‘Do not disturb’ sign on his office door and lock it so no one could come in. Then he followed Newt down into the suitcase.

 

“Woah, this must be the biggest set of undetectable extension charms I’ve ever seen.” Percival said in wonder, after he followed the sound of Newt’s low voice out the door of the shack and into the patchwork of enclosures.

“Biggest on record in the northern hemisphere, but there’s a village in New Zealand that lives entirely underground.”

“That’s amazing.” Percival had no idea which of these wonderfully odd animals he’d only ever heard of he should look at first.

“Woah, what’s that?”

“That, Percival, is a runespoor.”

That, being a gigantic, three-headed snake with intelligent bright eyes, winding through stalactites to come and see Newt, tongues flickering.

“This is James, Judy and Jack!”

“That is a very big snake.”

“Aren’t they wonderful! Jack is getting on so well with everyone and they haven’t tried to kill him in quite some time.”

“But they have tried to kill him before?”

“Oh, yes, runespoors’ three heads represent three different personalities, and Jack is the critic, he’s so mean and critical to his triplet siblings that they’ve tried to cut him off!

“And that’s common with his species?”

“Oh, yes, but I give him some pictures and newspapers to look at and he critiques those instead of James and Judy.”

 

After a few minutes of watching the incredibly novel sight of watching a third of a giant snake trying to examine a small print of Van Gogh’s starry night, Percival spoke up. “Hang on, you don’t happen to have a brand new nundu down here, do you?”

“Yes, I do! Sophie is such a sweetheart, her glands were damaged by poachers so she can’t breathe diseases at the moment.” Newt paused while Percival sighed in relief. “It’s so sad, she exhales and roars and she’s trying her best and it makes her upset when nothing in her enclosure dies.”

“Yes, so sad.” Percival said quickly, unsure if Newt was kidding or not.

“Sophie loves meeting new people, but you’ll have to leave your wand with Dougal, he’ll look after it but the sight of them frightens her, and she tries to breathe plague and she can’t so it upsets her!”

Newt took his own wand out of his pocket, holding it out in front of him where it levitated.

“Yes, thank you very much, Dougal. This is my new friend, Percy.” Newt froze. “I mean, Director of Magical Security Percival Graves?” Newt seemed somewhat panicked.

“Percy is totally fine.”

“Tina mentioned how much you hate it, I don’t want to cross any lines.” Newt stuttered out, Percival wondered for a moment why Newt seemed so nervous and eager to please. Maybe it was just his personality.

“I can make an exception, just for you, Newt.”

“Really?” Newt beamed up at him, eyes bright. “Thank you, Percy.”

It would be worth hearing that childish nickname just for Newt’s amazing smile.

Percival handed over his wand to the now-visible ape. “Thank you, uh, Douglas.”

“Dougal.”

“Of course. Sorry, Dougal.” Percival hoped silently that the monkey would take good care of his wand, he didn’t have the time to have one custom-made for him and he couldn’t just buy off the rack.

Approaching a fully grown, clearly agitated nundu armed only with a skinny British man he’d barely just met was not on Percival’s to-do list (the one carefully handwritten in the top drawer of his work desk) but that’s what they did next.

 

Sophie. The nundu. Was pacing around her enclosure, growling lowly as the tall grass in her home twitched slightly in the faint faux breeze.

“Sophie, I’m back!”

The big cat was immediately right up in Newt’s face, rubbing their cheeks together and purring louder than a car engine.

“That’s right, Mummy’s here, Mummy’s here.”

“Mummy?” Percival choked.

“Oh, oh mercy Lewis.” Newt stumbled back, away from Graves, flushing a dangerous shade of red and looking quite ill. “Oh, no. Percy-Percival, I...”

Percival understood why a grown man might be embarrassed to be seen by someone else referring to himself as Mummy, but Newt seemed quite upset.

“Newt it’s okay!” He called out, as they were now several feet apart. “I was just surprised.”

Percival’s air was forced out of his lungs in a huge gush as he was tackled by a disease breathing feline.

“Sophie, no!”

Pestilence-breath or not, Percival was not happy at being this close to those teeth. He let his magic wrap around him and almost used his wandless abilities to blow the cat halfway across the case. Then he froze. Newt would be beyond upset if Sophie came to any harm.

“Hey, Sophie, it’s alright. I didn’t mean to upset your mommy. It was an accident, just a misunderstanding. I don’t want to hurt you or Newt and I hope you feel the same, and I’d appreciate it if you let me up.” The creature twitched for a moment, still growling before climbing off him. As Percival was let up, he considered briefly that the creature had understood him, but more likely it was the smooth, even tone of his voice that soothed the savage beast.

 

“Percival! That was amazing!”

“Newt, I don’t care if you call yourself mom to your creatures, you’re obviously an amazing caregiver, I was just surprised.”

“No, I’m sorry for overreacting and thank you for not fighting Sophie, it would have frightened her awfully.”

“How did you know that I could perform wandless magic?”

“Thee mentioned it! He practised for a whole summer before he gave up, he can only really levitate things and ‘alohomora’.”

“That’s still quite impressive.”

“Not as impressive as you...Geraldine, get back in that nest!”

Percival turned, seeing a six foot, feathered, peacock blue serpent sliding along the fake forest floor towards them.

“Is Geraldine dangerous?”

“Not at all, she just wants some attention.”

“Hello, Geraldine,” Percival knelt and immediately his torso was enwrapped with warm scales.

“She is an ocammy, and choranaptyxic, she can grow and shrink at will so she feels like every space is the correct size in relation to her mass. It’s really interesting because stress plays quite a key role in her powers, if they’re stressed, an ocammy will prefer to occupy a greater proportion of a room and when they’re calm...” Newt trailed off, and Percival who had been examining the strange feathered serpent looked up.

“What happens when she’s calm?”

“I’m sorry for rambling on a bit, about my creatures, they are, my life’s work but I promise I can talk about something else at dinner!”

Percival was going to need to have a long chat with Theseus about who was involved in making Newt so insecure and terrified.

“Newt, this is the most interesting place I’ve been in a long time, what if we just postpone the dinner and you can show me all of your beasts.”

“Really?” Newt looked like he might cry. “You still want to go on a date?”

“Newt, you’re beautiful and vibrant and it’s a delight having met you, I really must get back to work now but I’d love to talk more about your job.”

 

Once he’d gotten his wand back, and unlocked his office door, Percival let Newt leave, off to see his brother. He looked over the bullpen, where his Aurors were obviously drawing horrific conclusions from the locked door, the twink and Percival’s messy appearance and met Tina’s gaze, mouthing to her,

_Thank you._

**Author's Note:**

> [Derrickhale](piesexual.co.vu) on tumblr, come chat me up, tell me all your grammander headcanons.  
>  Again, if you want to see the newspaper that causes a lot of the drama, see the headlines [here](http://piesexual.co.vu/post/165539733761/the-captivating-case-of-percys-imaginary-date)!


End file.
